I've decided that the reason I keep making all of these posts is because I'm unable to express myself to anyone here just yet. I can see that this is going to be a struggle. Hopefully though, after a while these posts will become few and far between and that's when you'll know that I'm finally settled in. Or I've died. But let's not focus on that.
I just returned from a café where I sat conjugating verbs for about three hours. Before that I had taken a nap as that whole "lack of sleep thing" got me seeing double. Somewhere in my learning of the english language I managed to completely glaze over every tense except for the three major ones - present past and future - and somewhere in my learning of french I managed to completely ignore the fact that there are fifteen possible tenses for any one verb. Hence the three hours. In that time I managed to conjugate two (yes two) verbs, avoir et être. I figured these were the most important (to have and to be). I should note that I did this with the help of a book that is dauntingly titled 2,000 French verbs. So, with a little bit of math and a whole lot of apprehension I figured out it will take me about 125 days (that's non-stop conjugation) to get through the whole book. Now, that figure isn't exactly accurate, because the reason it took me so long was because I had to constantly check the front of the book for the definitions of each tense and mood. I mean constantly. Every time I got to a new conjugation I was flipping back to the front to see what the hell I was conjugating. That may seem extreme, but with definitions like this one: Le plus-que-parfait (pluperfect/past perfect) The past tense used to describe an event that occurred prior to another past event without an implication of immediate relationship between two events. Also used to make a simple statement about past action -- it is easy to see why.
As I remember things, grammar was never my strong suit and now it is coming back to haunt me. That and I was a terrible (am a terrible) speller. I sometimes even have trouble spelling disaster, which is a little ironic at the moment.
Regardless of all of this I think I'll be okay. I don't think I will be returning to the US a brilliant French speaker, but I will be returning as a brand new me. But what does that really mean? I think the terms "new me" or "new you" are overused without anyone having arrived at an exact definition of such a statement. To say a "new me" doesn't necessarily imply that it is a "better" me, though I think the word "new" carries that kind of connotation. A new car is better than an old one, a new house, a new girlfriend (in some cases). We assume that if it is new it is improved, but that is not always the case, so let me attempt to clarify what I mean when I say "new me".
Very little has changed about me as would be expected (I've only been here three days, we're not talking miracles). Currently the only thing I can say for sure is that I have a renewed appreciation for the English language, or should I say my limited mastery of it. For whatever reason I seemed to take for granted the simple ability to communicate with those around me in an effective way. When I say "new me" what I think I am really trying to say is that I will have gained perspective. I think I'm already well on my way to doing that. More than that I will finally be able to say with confidence that I am independent (regardless of what my mother's tax statements say). I suppose it is odd for me to be coming to these conclusions now that I'm here. These are the kinds of things that people peg as reasons for travel, why we go places. Gain perspective, earn independence, etc etc. But as usual I jumped feet first into a concept I only half understood. Saying "I'm going to Paris to gain perspective" means very little until you're there and the world looks completely different. Suddenly you're lost, equipped with what faculties you poses, and a vocabulary of a newborn child and things don't "begin" to look different, things don't "start" looking different. No. They just are. Everything has changed. Past tense. If there was a transition it was imperceptible, I simply awoke in a new world and what I consider success has become such things as "I found a power adaptor!" "I found my way home!" "I conjugated two verbs!". In this sense I mean to say that gaining perspective is not what it implies - we think of perspective as viewing a larger picture, the whole picture if possible - but instead the perspective that is gained is microscopic. The world shrinks to a point just in front of the face, to what is tangible and what is immediately possible.
I often have been criticized for thinking too big, creating some grand image of perfection and then holding that fantasy above my own head until it shadows me - until I become the shadow of my own ambitions. When everything is easy then everything seems possible, and when those possibilities do not bear fruit so easily then it seems as though the world has failed - or that you have failed - or that (perhaps worst of all) your perception of yourself has failed.
When I observed that "this was going to be a struggle" I did not mean that learning French would be a struggle (though I know it will be), but instead the struggle would be allowing myself to struggle. Allowing myself to make mistakes, be foolish, fail. If I take away anything from this trip it will be this, the brand new me: success is difficult, success is small, and sometimes it is enough just to be able to say "I am here". And that is all.
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